Just want to get this out the way first: FUCK YOU ITV WEBSITE FOR NOT LETTING ME JOIN THE LIVEWATCH!! FUUUU-UUCK YOOOUU!!!!!!

Yeah. Tiny bit of frustration there.

(Also *sheepish* thanks to everyone who was so nice about my bad mood yesterday and apologies for emoting all over you. You guys are stars set at least ten levels above the best! *smooshes*)

Anyway - FORWARD!! TO RECAP!!


Oooh. Creepy, junk-filled place is fucking creepy. So is tinkly music-box music like wots definitely been in some horror film I can’t remember the name of right now.

Hai Steampunk lady! You are pretty. I like your clothes. And your knife. (I have a thing for knives, ok?) I believe I will name you Amelia.

Your friend doesn’t look well, Amelia. (Oh, your name’s Emily? *sad face* But Amelia suits you so much better…)

And oh, your friends kicked it. DESPITE JUST LOOKING LIKE SHE MAYBE HAD A COLD OR A BAD HANGOVER!!! Could we not have her coughing bloodily into a hankie like a Victorian consumptive? RUGBY PLAYERS DO THE FAKE BLOOD THING – IT’S NOT HARD!

That’s not very friendly, Emily-Amelia’s friend! I hope you get et by the nasty that’s just come through the anomaly and made me jump.

Oh, hey – CPPM is dying? :( But still perving over Matt while you do – go dude!
(CPPM stands for Creepy Pot Plant Man, btw. I believe it was Fred who named him)

ANOMALY! Jess wearing a skirt that could maybe, with the addition of some extra fabric, pass as a belt! Some… other stuff that I don’t pay attention to because: Connor in a tight top. Connor in a tight top. CONNOR IN A TIGHT TOP!

But you should have kept the beard, darling.

My god, but that’s a *very* blue suit you have on, Burton. (And don’t diss Connor’s skilz you bastard! HE SURVIVED THE CRETACEOUS YOU KNOW!!)

(See how 2 seconds of eye contact and a little nod is enough to convey info between Connor and Becker? I think I’m beginning to ship them…)

What, Matt doesn’t pick up his phone on the second ring and you get impatient, Jess? You do realise you’re coming across a bit bunny-boilery?

Aww, poor CPPM… *pets him*

That looks like an incredibly out-of-date laptop, Burton. Are you not meant to be, like, a gizillionaire or something?

“Couldn’t any computer literate techie do that?” – good point, Connor. Well done.
And while we’re on the subject of things done well – Burton, your emotional blackmail skills would be the pride of any stereotype Jewish mother. Kudos!

I… just want a moment here to bask in the incredible hotness that is Alexander Siddig. You lot go ahead without me.
(My lord, but your eyes are gorgeous man. Despite the eyeliner)

Connor is peeved. OAP laptop is doing something improbable looking.

Matt is at the ‘the-a-tar’, darling. And I abruptly notice he has a very prissy walk.

Quick game of tig amongst the costumes! Last one through the anomaly’s a rotten egg! (That would be you, Matt)

A-ha! The future! I can tell because of the helpful polarizing filter the camera-man’s put on. The game of tig continues! (And this bit looks disconcertingly like it was filmed near my home town. I could swear I’ve climbed those rocks as a kid)

Becker ‘n Abby being badass with the guns, oh yeaaah.

Look, Mr Emily’s ‘Friend’ – I already don’t particularly like you. You bop Becker on the head with that pipe and I’ll want to shank you, ok?

Creepy fucking dummy. Mr ‘Friend’ being a creeper behind the scenery. Abby being… rather creepily calm about finding a dead body, actually Abbs. Sweetheart, what’s happened to you? :(

Emily-Amelia, I *really* want your clothes. (Would not object to being the one taking them off you, either. Just saying)

And that’s a powerful swing you’ve got on you, lady! You were first to be picked at rounders as a girl, weren’t you? (Rounders, for any non-Brits reading, is like baseball only even *more* pointless)

Ooo, tree-manlizard thing! Future Predator!Dave has got a cousin? (And random, but something about the music in this bit made me expect Matt to break out into jazz hands)

Emily-Amelia is badass. Honey, I *like* you! :) (No, not in that way! Mind out of gutter, now!) (…Yes, ok. In that way as well. *wants to do filthy things to her while she wears that jacket*)

Becker! :( Love, you should go rescue your boyfriend team leader. You can spank him for breaking the rules later! In other words, stop being such a fucking arse.

ROFLMAO!! EXPELLIARMUS CREATURE!! MATT FINALLY FULFILLS THAT HOGWARTS FANTASY HE HAS!!

*cough* I mean, wow. The danger is palpable. And the cut shots in no way make the fight look completely unbelievable.

(Matt’s fantasy is obviously that he’s Douglas Fairbanks Jr anyway. I thought he was going to put hands on his hips, throw his head back and go ‘Ha-ha!’ at the end)

Becker is only being a little bitch to you because he cares, Matt!

Burton, ffs – what is your problem with Connor? Why won’t you let him go be a BAMF? (He’s finished his homework and everything!)

Nice bit of interaction between Matt and Emily-Amelia. Her perturbation at the environment is very well done.

Creeper ‘Friend’ is back. Army guy, I *in no way* fear for your safety.

Oh… ffs. Look, Primeval. Why don’t you just put all the army guys in fucking red shirts, mmm? Is this what Burton means when he says Connor hasn’t got the training? You need to be trained to be as fucking useless as that? *manlizard goes nomnom*

*sigh* And another redshirt goes down. At least Emily-Amelia isn’t going to nom you, darling. (A disappointment, I know)

I beg your pardon, Matt. Becker wasn’t just being a little bitch ‘cos he cares – he’s also jealous as hell. “Put everyone at risk” – yeah, yeah. Your eyes are a little green there, Becker.

Ok, ok. I will also allow that you have your epic manpain as well. *rolls eyes*

The game of tig is back on! See Matt. See Matt run! (…so want to write a pastiche of Wendy Cope’s pastiche of ‘Peter and Jane’ now)

Connor is still not enjoying himself. REX!! …oops. Burton is locked in.

Are you having fun now, Connor?

* * *

Sorry. I have to rant for a moment here.

If the purpose of this bloody programme is to be helpful in the event of a creature incursion then isn’t sounding blaring sirens that would panic creatures, locking your team away in different areas, and turning off the lights so you’re trapped with whatever nasty it is in the fucking dark – isn’t all of this just a little counterintuitive, mmm?

Apologies. Rant over. We now return you to your regularly scheduled perving.

* * *

“I can still hear you, Connor” – HA-HA! Connor’s in trouble!

* * *

...And no. My rant isn’t over. Because only having one person able to override a lockdown is quite THE STUPIDIST FUCKING THING I’VE HEARD!!!

I mean what the actual fuck?!

*pinches brow of nose* Look, to avoid any further disturbance lets just say that from now on, when you see this emoticon:
>:-( --*!*
- it’s me making a bitch face and whacking Burton around the head for being a stupid fucker in his system design, ok? *has a feeling she’ll be using it a lot*

* * *

‘The-a-tar’ again, darlings. And du-du-du-duh! Another redshirt bites the dust!

“Who’s Ethan?” – and why is he such a fucking bastard? What did that redshirt ever do to him, eh?

Listen to Emily-Amelia, Matthew. She knows whereof she speaks. And touchy-touchy. She only whacked you in the face a little bit.

(Ooooh – little lip-bite! You are so freakin hot, Emily-Amelia!)

Like fuck is that city London.

I really like the trust Becker has in Abby here. Must be nice to have someone competent after the redshirts.

Holy fuck! Two of Dave’s cousins came on the Dublin jaunt? I didn’t see that coming.

Meanwhile, back at the ARC…

The air’s being sucked out?! >:-( --*!*              >:-( --*!*                >:-( --*!*

No, Connor baby – that’s not murder. Assisted suicide at the most.

ABBY CHECKS THE CEILING!! See – she’s played RPG’s before. YOU ALWAYS CHECK THE CEILING!!

A-ha! Fooled you Abby – you should have kept an eye on the floor as well!

(This bit was bloody well done actually – dark and shadows and noises coming from them)

ABBY! ABBY!! ABBYABBYABBYABBY!!!! GO YOU BAMF!!!!

BECKER SHOOTS DAVE’S COUSIN IN THE FACE!! LITTLE HEAD NOD!!

I BEAM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!

And now it’s Connor’s turn to shine BAMF. (People who know more about computer tech – I’m assuming this is all just techno-bollocks here, yeah?)

“Clearly you’ve not seen Abby in a bad mood” - *g* That’s the Abby I like to write! (And actually, Burton, pretty as you are I *am* more worried about Rex)

A project called ‘New Dawn’, Burton? *facepalm*       >:-( --*!*  *it's not system design but it deserves the emoticon anyway*
Yeah, because that name’s not fascistic and suspicious in ANY WAY, is it?

That was quite clever Matt – pity the recoil fucked it up for you.

A ‘trap door’ *facepalms again*

Forgotten password quite plausible though. I forgot mine and I’d only been off for 2 weeks, never mind a year in the Cretaceous.

Oh, Connor… I would call you a 13 year old girl but even they would find your sappiness vomit-inducing.

(Little kiss on the ring. WHAT IS IT?! Seriously, enquiring minds want to know)

Burton! You’re… ah, who gives a shit how you are! More importantly, REX IS OK!!

And we all get a ‘Connor Temple Tight Jeans Crotch Shot’ (patent pending)! HOORAY!!!

“And my first initiative as your new CEO will be ‘steak sauce’ Tuesdays. On Tuesdays you all substitute steak sauce for cologne or perfume. This is a team building exercise and in no way because I plan to nom you all”

Emily-Amelia gets to be a BAMF! And finally Matt does too! Hooray for all!
(Anyone else expect the creature’s head to get sliced off with the wire? Just my head that went there? Oooo-kay…)

Some plottage from Emily-Amelia and then… Ha-HA!! Creature gets deaded anyway!

Some more plottage. ‘Lady’ Emily, eh? Ok, I’ll drop the Amelia from now on then. My Lady.

Ah, Burton. Back to your old, slightly creepy self. (Desperately telling my brain there’s no chemistry between him and Connor and we don’t want to write disturbing dub-con about them with Connor being somehow drugged and Burton licking his face. Really brain, wtf?)

Are all the team’s apartments this fucking swish? Can I work for the ARC please?

Also, we all noticed Matt’s lack of response to the ‘live alone’ and ‘lacking a women’s touch’ thing, didn’t we? And we all immediately thought ‘Sometimes Becker stays the night’ and ‘Duh, boyfriend! So of course there’s no ‘women’s touch’’ didn’t we? Good.

Did the ‘man servant/parlour maid’ thing send all of your minds into a ‘Becker/Matt roleplaying sexy times with Becker just wearing an apron and a mop-cap’ place as well? Good.

I had Ethan pegged as a creepy fucker 2 seconds in. Nice to know I’ve not lost my touch!

‘Safe here’. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Matt. My Lady has a better grasp of the truth than you.

* * *

Next week:

LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME!!

Becker & Matt hurt/comfort times, y/y?

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