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See - this is why lj isn't good for me...
Title: Every Slasher is Sacred, Every Slasher is Good
Characters/Pairing: God/Lucifer. Mentions of Mike Rosenbaum/Tom Welling, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Chris Kane/Steve Carlson and Chad 'Mayhem' Murray/bad decisions
Rating: R, mainly for language
Summary: God is annoyed at the fangirls, but not for the reason you think...
Word Count: 1,191
Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, and the similarity of characters to any supernatural beings, real or imagined, is purely co-incidental.
I break the rules just to hear the pretty tinkling noise when they smash.
Warning: Given the first pairing mentioned, you might not want to read this if you don't have a sense of humour when it comes to religion...
Every slasher is sacred, every slasher is good
It was the crashing that caught Luce’s attention. Well, the crashing, the banging, the shrieks and the ‘Who in My Name left their bloody harp there?!’
It was all fairly common so he didn’t really bother to look up from where he was racking up his score on Grand Theft – DC by hitting a senator
He sighed when God come into the room like, well - like the wrath of god. Didn’t look like he was going to be able to finish his game this millennia.
He watched, snake eyed, as his former Lord and Master sent a thunderbolt at a group of cherubs. All very normal, everyone found those little bastards irritating, but when He snarled at Raphael and sent the poor guy running with flames shooting after him he thought it was time to intervene. Raph still owed him ten souls from their last poker game after all – dude needed to be corporeal for him to collect.
He asked
“What’s got Your robe in a bunch then?”
God growled at him and went over to the milk and honey cabinet. He chugged back a large one before he answered.
“I’ve just been looking at livejournal”
Not a very comprehensible answer, but Lucifer understood. He said sympathetically
“Come on, You know it doesn’t mean anything”
God frowned and waved his hand, accidentally causing a miracle in Pittsburgh.
“It’s just the way they sign their fic’s, Luce. ‘Two tickets to the special hell’, ‘Where’s my handbasket?’, ‘Definitely damned for this one’! I mean, for My sake! Who do they think invented this genre anyway? Heaven and Earth and everything in it people! Including boy-on-boy action! Don’t they read the Bible? What about the hot Jesus/Judas tongue action in the Garden of Gethsemane?!”
“Yeah, well – you might remember that got toned down in the final edit. It was more a quick peck on the lips and not so much of the rimming”
“Oh Me, yeah – that’s right. Teach me to give them free will and then try to collaborate with them on a book. That Leviticus, wow - there was a guy who needed to spend more quality time with his right hand”
The Devil sniggered
“Ha ha ha, yeah! All that stuff about men lying with men – right under the bits condemning the wearing of cloth made of two types of yarn and eating shellfish. I always have this image of a gay guy suddenly standing up in a restaurant and screaming ‘SHIT!! I’m wearing a silk-cotton mix shirt, I’m eating king prawn
But God was still ranting
“I mean – why do they think I put so many Medamned nerve endings in the rectum if I only wanted them to use it for evacuation, eh? I put the bloody prostate up there, for the love of Me! What more prove do they need that I’m in favour of guys giving it to each other in the arse? I might as well have ringed the thing in fairy lights and put a sign on their backs spelling out ‘butt-sex pleasure this way, people!’ They just never pay attention”
“And in Eden!” G threw himself down on the sofa and said sulkily “It was meant to be Adam and STEVE you know”
Luce shrugged and said practically
“Yeah well, Adam objected. That’s the way it goes if you give ‘em free will. And Steve’s not doing so bad with the music nowadays.”
G perked up “Yes! And at least one of Adams kids had some taste! Though you know he’s spelling his name all funny now” he rolled his eyes “Kane. Come on, who’s he trying to kid?”
The Devil asked
“Is that why he always wears those horrible cowboy hats? To hide the mark? Still, I suppose looking like a shit-kicker’s preferable to everyone thinking you’re evil incarnate to some people.”
He didn’t understand it himself – better to reign in Hell than look like a reject from Brokeback Mountain he always said.
G seemed to have been reminded of something (He was always forgetting stuff - omnicogniscent Lucifer’s forked tongue!)
“Speaking of evil incarnate; how’s your youngest boy by the way? Love life still completely in the crapper?”
“Well, he tells me its going to work out this time, but I’ll believe that when I see it. The boy’s alright, quite sweet really! He’s just a bit naive – and given the tendency for humans with Our blood in them to be a bit susceptible to, umm, influence, perhaps I shouldn’t have called him Mayhem…”
You would have had to have known Luce for a long time to catch that slight guilty wince, but the G-man did. He said cheerily
“Or maybe he got dropped on his head too many times as a baby! I did tell you not to let his older brother look after him; how you ever thought the Anti-Christ would make a good babysitter I’ll never know…”
Luce said defensively
“Well, I had to do something to keep him occupied, didn’t I? Who knows what kind of trouble he’d have got up to Down There otherwise!” He thought broodingly of his eldest son. Bald brat would probably take over the Lakes of Fire given half a chance, it was best to keep his hands busy – speaking of which…
“Hey, isn’t he banging your boy now?”
God nodded
“Yeah – they’re both in that show on CW now – J likes being able to be a saviour without the down side; say’s he’d like to see anyone nailing you to a tree when you can shoot lasers out of your eyes!”
Luce frowned thoughtfully
“Isn’t that the one that Gabriel was on for a while?”
“That’s the one. But he’s on a new show now with one of the Nephilim – still fighting the good fight and battling evil. Present company excepted of course. Apparently they all think he’s human – Me knows why. They can’t surely believe anyone with that perfect a mouth didn’t drop down from Heaven, can they? To say nothing about his ass”
“Nephilim, Nephilim…” Luce mused, not paying attention “Oh yes – the giant with the huge porn hands. I bet Gabe enjoys having those fingers in his heavenly void!”
But the thought of humankind’s blindness at his not recognising his Ackles archangel had got God down again and he just sighed heavily.
Luce rolled his eyes. Aw hell (literally). That pouty look behind the snowy beard always made him feel inappropriately affectionate. Well, he knew something that would cheer the Big Man up.
Lucifer dropped down onto his knees and nudged Jehovah’s legs apart, grinning like a shark. He said
“Come on, Jeh – I’ll have you praising Your own name in no time”
He added with a smirk, as he slid the robe up and lowered his golden head “and you can always tell everyone the fangirls made you do it…”
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